


What you feel for me

by InsaneJul



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Heavy Angst, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love, Redemption, Self-Hatred, sorry - Freeform, this is all pain folks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-21
Updated: 2016-10-21
Packaged: 2018-08-23 17:40:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8336842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsaneJul/pseuds/InsaneJul
Summary: Hanzo contemplates, as he often does, the nature of his relationship with McCree.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Karkiitiie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Karkiitiie/gifts).



> Wrote this for my mchanzo trash friend Sam. This is super duper painful, I mean it. It's also...very autobiographical, as someone who struggles with depression and self-loathing and is in a relationship. Hanzo is very, very sad and will never understand why he is loved. :(

Hanzo lay in Jesse's arms and he wanted, he wanted so badly for it to feel right, but it didn't. It just didn't. Nothing did. 

It could feel good for a little while, and he could even pretend he loved Jesse, but he knew he was too broken to do it properly. Maybe he always had been. Maybe that was why it was so easy to kill Genji. Maybe it was always this way. The fact remained, he wished it was different, but it wasn't. 

Sometimes he could have sworn he loved Jesse. But then he'd wake up again and remember what he was, remember that he couldn't. Remember that no one deserved what his love did to them. And what Jesse deserved was very important.

If there’s one thing about Jesse, one thing he admires (and there are many things) it’s his goodness. That is where all the pain truly lies. Jesse has done wrong, so much wrong, but he is still here, and Hanzo sometimes cannot bear to look at him because he wears all of it like another hat. Because he will bear all this evil, he will stare it down, cock his weapon at it and not let it get away. He will go down in history as a criminal if he’s done right in his heart. His past does not, cannot define him; he has learned to atone, he has learned what justice is, he defines it, dispenses it. But Hanzo…Hanzo has not.

No, his wrongdoing follows him and weighs on his shoulders and wakes him in the middle of the night. Jesse reclaimed his goodness, wears it strong and proud, in the face of all who would condemn him. Hanzo’s goodness left him with his brother’s last breath. He has no hope of reclaiming it, but he will pretend that he can, if it will give him a reason to keep living. He will pretend if it means Jesse will keep holding him.

It felt good, of course it felt good. Sometimes he craved it like he craved oxygen to breathe or food to eat. But he couldn’t help but ask himself why it felt so good; he couldn’t help but ask himself why he was really there. He couldn’t bring himself to believe it was because he loved Jesse back. Maybe he did love him, as much as he could. But he would always ask himself if he stayed simply because the feeling of being loved was what made him feel good. Maybe it wasn’t the feeling of loving and being loved; maybe it was simply being loved, parasitic, bleeding Jesse dry. 

Besides, it took Hanzo long enough to believe Jesse loved him at all. Months, if he’s being honest, and sometimes he’s not quite sure…but he will never believe he deserves it. That is something he is sure of: he will never deserve love from anyone, let alone someone as strong and brave and good as Jesse. The truth will remain that he is nothing, he will always be nothing, and his love will always be poisonous. If he doesn’t deserve it, how can he accept it? How can he continue to accept what he should not have?

He can’t, he tells himself, and tries for the millionth time to extricate himself from Jesse’s arms, his sheets, his bed, his life, but he fails again. Hanzo still cannot find that strength. The longer he stays, the worse it gets, but he cannot have this fight with Jesse, not again; they have had it so many times. Jesse could say anything he wished but it would have no effect on Hanzo and he cannot understand why Jesse will not accept that. 

Jesse should learn to accept it. It won’t change, Hanzo won’t change, and how can he expect him to? No…not expect…how can he believe he will? How can he look at this mess of a human being and see something worth loving, worth saving? How can he want Hanzo to be saved? How can he think that someday he will make a difference, that there will be some sort of fairytale ending where the archer learns to redeem himself through the love of the gunslinger? That’s not what life is. Life is pain if you’ve done wrong, and Hanzo has done the most wrong.

Hanzo will not get up, not tonight. But he will ask himself the question he asks himself every night, obsessively, wishing he could gain the courage to ask Jesse himself.

_How can what he feels about me matter when I don’t even like myself?_

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yeeeeeeaaaaaaaah.


End file.
